The first week is over
Posted September 20, 2009on:
Marcus finished his first week at Doane Stuart on Friday. I took a day and some to gather some thoughts and observations, both on his state and mine.
1) In general, Marcus seems to be happier. He giggles more, he laughs more, he has children to play with.
2) Marcus was sad on Friday. He cried going in and didn’t want me to leave. He was crying when I came to pick him up, but when I think about the timing I wonder if it was because of nap/quiet time… He wakes up badly often. If they woke him to get him ready to go home, I understand how that could have thrown him off. He was actually cranky the whole evening, but Saturday morning woke up happy and started getting ready for “school” on his own. Bad day, maybe?
3) I have had time alone. It seems selfish to say this, but I have to. I spent the last three days, not talking with anyone really (five minute chat with the receptionist at the Albany Institute , and another chat with a couple of elderly women looking through the NY timeline display plus home time with Dan and Marcus). It has been amazing. I’ve been filling notebooks, writing down ideas, reading (I devoured four books in those two days), walking…heck, I sat in the car and just stared into space one morning. Rediscovering me.
4) I wonder at what the above notes mean. Am I selfish for being happy Marcus is in school for most of a day? He’s so young. I do miss him and think about him. But I’m glad he is there too. So am I selfish for wanting this? I don’t think so. When I picked up Marcus on Friday, even with his tears and near tantrum (something that often tensed me up before and without a lot of self-stifling and control, often through gritted teeth), I was able to gather him up, hug him, smile and help him through the tears. He stayed cranky, yes, but I was able to accept it and just watch it and be there when he needed me to hold him. I didn’t have to police myself as much. And because of this, I felt more assured that I was making the right choice.
Yesterday and today we have had an amazing time. We are having an amazing time. There have been no need for harsh words, lots more hugs, lots more talks. I can hold my son without feeling that I have no personal space or that my contact quota (as I’ve called that sense of the world caving in on me from all directions that I get) has been filled.
I used to get Marcus’s three hour naps, but they haven’t been happening lately at all. And lately, though I love him, Dan had been working from home a lot…. I never felt alone, and I really needed it.
I knew a long time ago that I wasn’t as outgoing as the rest of the world seemed to be. I tried to adjust, but I really, I never did. Instead, I became more reckless and more uncontrolled and more unhappy, which in turn made me more reckless, etc.. My son seems to be more extroverted than I am naturally (though according to my mother I was very outgoing as a child,; so who knows), and he’s quite cautious and “stand-offish” in public settings. Or, perhaps he’s like me… He likes to be alone in a crowd. I don’t know.
I do know that so far this seems to be helping us be us.