A Garden of Delights

What AM I doing?

Posted on: April 3, 2017

Life in limbo

At least, that’s how things seem to be lately.  I mean, yes, I’ve been doing things…  lots and lots of ‘things’.  Most of those things involve time and activities with the Kidlet and the Hubby.  And paperwork…  lots and lots of paperwork too.

Emotionally I am in a bit of a funk because I realized (with some chagrin) that I’ll likely never achieve my dream of becoming a citizen of the UK.  Want doesn’t really play a part in it…  I mean, I want to very much.  But logistically, I am not in a position to do such a thing and probably won’t be for so long that the feasibility of such a move goes down the toilet.

At least I get to live there vicariously for a few weeks at the end of this month.  🙂

But dreams of England aren’t the only things I’ve considered.  Dreams of story are too.  Trying to find them again, trying to reconnect to worlds that seem to be happy to fade into a distance of paying bills, planning budgets, driving, shopping for heavy-duty archeology trowels…  and other people’s stories.  Oh, that last one is actually a killer.  I once thought I needed to read and see what others were writing and doing to fill my head with ideas and options, but… no.  The more I immerse myself into the worlds of others (often without much enjoyment even), the harder it is to connect with my characters.

They’re like cats that way.  They don’t take snubs well, and they don’t seem to get the idea that I’m just spending time elsewhere so I can be a better writer of their stories.  I’m not even sure they care if I write their stories, just as long as I am dutifully enthralled by them.  There’s a reason I used to think that Alanii’s alter-ego with feline.  He’s corrected me on this matter many times, but…  my cats are more like puppy-dogs than he is.

Which is why I took so long before setting out my ROW80 goals (today is officially the first day of Round 2 and I am just getting around to writing this post up)…  I am still not sure what my goals are.  I know how to set my goals, how to make them S.M.A.R.T., but I don’t know what I actually want to focus on or even achieve these days beyond get the “next thing done”.  There seem to be so many next things, that I am driven to distraction just trying to get through a day.  And when I do have those free moments that I once would have used for Those Five Sentences, I don’t write…  I space out.

So, at least for this week (the nice thing about goals is that they can be adjusted), I have ONE goal:

Make a list of  ten things I dream of doing and prioritize them by how much I want them, how long they will take to achieve and what steps I will need to follow to meet each one.  And one caveat here…  no “pay bills” goals here.

We’ll see where that gets me.

8 Responses to "What AM I doing?"

I think that is a very worthy goal. Too often we don’t figure out our dreams or how to get to them. If we don’t work through that, success often evades us. Here’s to making progress on dream planning this round.

It’s a harder goal than I thought it would be. So many things seem trite and/selfish…or just so useless in the long run. Am I trying to do something ‘grand’? I don’t think so, but I feel like choosing things ‘just for me’ is wrong, ‘for the good of others’ too… I want to say self-sacrificing, but it’s more than that… there’s this little sense of wanting to be recognized for good things, but also wanting to only do just ‘so much, and no more’.

I’m really having trouble with this list.

That sounds like such a good idea – ten things that delight. It’s a good beginning place, I think.

I wouldn’t mind that particular shopping errand, but, piled on everything else..egads!

Interestingly, I often find that reading others’ work stirs my mind best if I’m not looking for the ideas that might help me. Then, things sneak in and merge with other things…

But you and I have very different minds, as we learned long, long ago. The only advice I can give is to breathe, no matter what else is happening!

Looking forward to seeing that list of ten things! =D

Slices of an Unschooling Life
Indie Writer, Mom-in-Chief, and Joyful Learning Facilitator
Shan Jeniah’s Lovely Chaos

Reading other people’s work can be a huge inspiration, but I have to be able to maintain some distance through having enough time to indulge my own characters to make it work. Otherwise, I find myself hyper-focusing on the task of reading and reviewing. It doesn’t help either that I tend to obsess over things I’ve promised to do for someone… It’s all too easy to deny myself my writing time in favor of working on projects I’ve committed myself to for others.

It’s just how my brain works. Some of it, I suspect, is my brain ducking the hard work of molding a recognizable story structure into the winding narratives I see in my head into something that works on the page. Fear of failure in something that matters so much to me … so I hide in projects for other people. :/

It was fun shopping. We’re really looking forward to both the trip and the archaeological dig. And… now that most of the planning for the trip is done, I am starting to breathe. Slowly….

Breathing is pretty much always good.

As for the other stuff…we all have our journeys, and our “sticking points”. Mine is somewhat opposite. I get so pulled into my own stories that others’ things can sit waiting (along with a lot of my own)…and then I feel guilty about THAT.

I just keep trying to get a bit better on juggling it all, then a bit better, and so on….eventually, maybe, it’ll all come together…

Structure can be a good thing…in stories, and in life.

Sending all the wishes for a safe and lovely trip for you both, and happy digging, too! =)

I wonder if some of the difference in style here is because you had to learn to work around your older sister while I always had to ‘respond’ to the demands of others (not that you didn’t have some similar authoritarian problems, but I was the ‘only one’ who could be called on, and I always was, so whatever I was doing had to be dropped in favor of what someone else was asking me to do… there was no blocking things out). As you say, journeys and sticking points, and from what I see, neither one was better or worse than the other, but oh, so very different….

Structure… it’s like taking steps. 🙂

It is a very tough list, complicated by all the roles you have (and why you feel selfish). Some things feel too small, many others too big. It’s not bad you’re having trouble. Its worth continuing to think through it.

The only way it is ‘bad’ is that I feel I can’t dedicate the attention it really deserves at the moment. But there’s probably no such thing as a ‘perfect time’, so… off I go.

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