A Garden of Delights

Archive for the ‘Recovering’ Category

The second shoe dropped…  or something, and while nothing screamed End Of The World, the violent tipping of its axis said serious Change (note the capital C…  big stuff here) was in the works.

:-/ Okay, so nothing really that drastic happened.  But despite all my plans to be more consistent this Round of words with my blogging, and to get a bunch of writing done, my progress on those goals I set out at the beginning of January has been close to nil.  Earlier in the round, while I was writing somewhat, I could clearly sense my head was in a “I need to be refilled” state.  I stepped down my writing and creative output in favor of reading and discovery, and dealing as best I could with the seasonal cloud that hits me each November through January.

This was tiding me over mostly.  I did get a bit lax with my blogging.  A lot of little things started picking at my brain and while I love you all, blogging is always the second thing to fall short (Twitter loses the fastest…  maybe because it always flows the fastest, and I so often feel lost in the deluge of tweets) as far as social media goes.  I’ve slacked off in all my social media though.  Facebook and email…

Too many little bits to deal with.

The newest is a real job search.  I’m terrified.  I haven’t in the job market for years, having spent most of my time of late in volunteer positions with my son’s various schools or homeschooling him.  But things have happened…  and now, not only do I have to homeschool The Boodle again (as much as he’d like to stay in Catholic school, he is not suited to that environment), but we need a second income in the home.

The most recent copy of my résumé I could find was from when I still lived in downtown Albany…  almost 30 years ago.

Yeeeah….

I have my work cut out for me.

So, apologies for being a bit short here, and for having been absent so long.

Stuff happened.


Also, just a small reminder…

Though it’s a bit late to bring this up, especially when I’ve been so very out-of-touch recently, I did want to mention that the linky for the First Friday Photo is open for submissions.  I’d love to hear from you all.

And if you’re interested in lovely photoblogs, have you checked out the grand people at image-in-ing. A lot of wonderful artists there, with so many interesting perspectives on the world to savor.

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The first thing one needs to do (if one wants to do anything) is to start…

13239297_10208935359048457_5614473794801101084_nThis is me starting…

…yet again.

It’s not a grand plan of attack yet.  It’s a baby step.  I don’t know where I’m going yet.  It involves writing and stories—I know that much at the moment.  It also involves trimming some things.

 

More on that later…

For today, just a quick “Hi, I’m back.”

And a bit of an update…  I’m writing again.  *whew*  It was hard going for a while.  I suspect every year it’s still going to be a bit hard to maintain any writing momentum around the holidays.  This year I almost wished I could embrace the normal busy-ness that normally takes one during that time.  Hopefully next year, and the years that follow, will get easier, and I can stop thinking about the should’ves and could’ves and the people gone.

I can only honor them one way—be the best person I can be.  When I was with them, they made me feel like I was that best person…

We all go somewhere, someday.  If it is a real place, then…  it’ll be fun to say “Hi!  You were right!” to them.

Oh, and my daily wordcount via 750words: 1031 words

I forgot my last few weeks of posting (I know!  but at least the break in between wasn’t almost a year like I had done).  Who’d have thought it would be so hard to come up with single weekly blog post?

Thing is…  it hasn’t been a single post.  Just a single one here.

I’ve been busy, busy, busy over at my writing progress blog Many Worlds from Many Minds, and have been either posting there or commenting on the many wonderful participants of the Writing challenges I have been involved with: the Round of Words in 80 Days; Ready. Set. Write!; and the JuNoWriMo.  It was also the end of school for me at BCS (and homeschooling), so there were progress reports to make and assignments to review….

The plan this summer is to merge this blog with Many Worlds so I can dedicate my attention to maintaining one online home.  Or rather one blogging home…  with Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn and… well, you get the idea.

But that’s for later this summer.  For now…  I just really wanted to both apologize to you all for being absent and to note a small change to the First Friday Photo blog hop I hold here on the 1st Friday of every month.

From now on, I’ll be opening the FFP linky up the week before the first Friday of each month so people have time to post their links.  The links should go active on the Friday.  This way people can schedule their posts somewhat, and they can have something to look forward to on First Fridays.  😀

Waiting for laughter

Waiting for laughter (cred: Eden Mabee)

Hope you’ll all join in.

Things change and yet don’t change around here with surprising consistency.  I wrote my last post here over a year ago; I cannot promise that the upcoming gap will be any less extreme.  I’m still trying to figure out what this space is for….  or if, it is what I think it should be, what my usual blog-haunt Many Worlds From Many Minds is or will be.

When I think about it and am honest with myself, I have a bit of an aversion to being “myself” so directly…  online or off.  A lot of people have nicknames, use pen names, or aliases online.  I do, and yet I don’t.  I thought of trying to establish a serious online persona so that my private life could be truly private.  But in the end, it seemed unnatural to be reaching out to the world electronically by saying “hey, look at me, read what I wrote” while hiding behind the screen and a stock image.

Unnatural for me…  I am not judging the choices others have made in regards to their online lives.  It’s a pretty crazy world out here, and we all deal the way we need to deal.


 

So…  What brought me over here?  I guess the same could be said for me posting over at Many Worlds…  I only started that up recently as well.  Then again, I started that up because that’s where I post all my ROW80 check-ins; I had a “reason” for blogging again there.  So, why am I here…

Actually, I just came to share an article I read on The Rumpus.net…  an article I just can’t get out of my head.  I was there, in this author’s place during the college years.  I suspect more young women are than they would like to admit.

After a while...  we all watch the world from this vantage point

After a while… we all watch the world from this vantage point

Was I in that place?  Oh, not the same place…  of my “bad choices” one I ran from during the ‘afterglow’; with another, the college paraded me during proceedings as a tool to get him banned when I didn’t could barely understand what had actually happened from what I’d been told had happened; another wasn’t too shy to make sure I knew how much I ‘owed’ him for the fact his roommate was my boyfriend and he had to deal with me ‘teasing and frustrating’ him by our cuddling, and if my boyfriend wasn’t going to take what was being offered (never mind that it hadn’t been offered), then he would…  and if I didn’t he’d make sure the RA knew I’d been drinking in his room.

Oh…  and I only did a bit of the bulimia and anorexia thing.  My way of coping turned away from the “I need to be prettier to be accepted, and I’ll be prettier if I can lose weight‘ to the “fuck you all, I’m going to be so damned fat and ugly I won’t have to deal with any of you“.

Only…  it didn’t work that way.  It never does.

Things change.  We change, heal, grow…  new experiences, new faces,…  I keep rediscovering myself, even those “stitches” as Roe McDermott notes in her piece sometimes seem to be all I’m made of.   Now, instead of trying to define myself by someone else’s interest in me, I try to just be me.

Whoever that is….

 

A little family story…

World Suicide Day: Preventing Tragic Loss (reblog, but original post removed from the now defunct site: CommuniCATE)

I grew up in a household where suicide was always felt (my great-grandfather had killed himself… it may sound like that should have been distant, but our family was a very extended one with me living with parents, grandparents and my great-grandmother in the same house). In that house, there was a room no one was supposed to go in, the room he shot himself in. The blood hadn’t even been cleaned after his body was removed and buried. They just closed the door and on rare occasions, someone would shove a box of “stuff” to stack in the room through the door… when the door could be reached. Usually stuff was piled in front of it.

The outside door to that room (it was the original kitchen to the house, and yes, after he died, they just made a second kitchen) overgrew with ivies, the small awning was allowed to just fall off the house, pulling some of the clapboard with it. The window broke and the barn cats would go and nest in there.

I used to want to know why that room was closed up so much. No one talked about it. If I tried to peek a look, either I risked poison ivy itches (not so bad for me, since as a kid I never caught the rash, but horrid for my uncle and grand-father since they could catch it from being around me) or being hollered at…. And the brief peeks I did catch never made much sense. What was so special about a dirty old kitchen filled with boxes and the corpses of mice and birds?

It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I’d pieced all the hints together. By then I’d been hospitalized for suicide attempts myself, my uncle had been living on antidepressants, my grand-father had been slowly recovering from alcoholism, …

Suicide does change things.

And for those wondering…   a picture of the house in question.  Of the door, even:

11899357336_3b6c2f6449_m

The Old Farm

Trying to resume a regular pattern for this page, I have one of my “semi-regular” features for the day: Book Review Monday, which as you my remember, alternates weeks with Your Inspirations, a feature that highlights those creative sparks that “work” for people in the world.

Before I give my opinion piece on Diane Ackerman‘s One Hundred Names For Love, please allow me to introduce a little “house discussion” here. Read the rest of this entry »

Reblogged from The Dash Between:  with gratitude!

The Dash Between

The rights I’ve posted below are extremely important to me, because up until two years ago I didn’t believe I had many of them.

I think of an incident that happened when I was about 12 or 13.  I was listening to a Morrissey tape when my Mom walked past my room.  For those of you that are familiar with Morrissey, you know that most of his music sounds very depressing and fairly mellow.  At least it did when I was listening to it in the mid-80’s.  Mom happened to walk past at a particularly “drumm-y” intro and reacted in an unexpected way.  I was raised in a very conservative home, so the drums were too much.   She grabbed the tape out of the player, and started yelling at me about the horrible music.  I remembered trying to explain that it wasn’t all hard rock like she thought, but back-talking…

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